Man, It's Been A While

Gosh. It's been so long since I've posted on my blog. As the political and social climate heated up, just as my blog was getting started, I realized that what I wanted to say wouldn't be what some would want to hear. I have such a middle-of-the-road, "let's compromise for the greater good" attitude and that kind of thinking doesn't get you very far in today's society. You have to be one way or the other. There is no in-between. So, I thought my days of pointlessly writing for a blog that no one will really read or care about were over.

Then, I got sad. I've been sad a lot. And it's silly, really. I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm "blessed" as many would say. (And I would wholeheartedly agree.) Yet, as I struggle with getting older, trying to take care of a strong-willed toddler and take care of my nine-year-old's needs, I just keep getting sad again and now, my kids are old enough to notice.

It's funny. When I was a working mom, I was riddled with guilt over leaving my daughter. I made my husband pay the price for it too. I had the nerve to blame him for me having to work and lead a life that I didn't know when I was a child. (My mom stayed home with me, while my dad went off to work.) It's just one of many ways I've been unreasonable in my almost 42 years on this earth. Then, as he worked so hard to change careers and improve his life for himself and for his family, I finally got my chance to stay home. I knew it wouldn't be easy, rather different.

Now that I've been a SAHM for some three years now, I've come to realize that it's more challenging that I had ever imagined, causing me to doubt my decision to stay home. I've come to realize through my yelling, increased crying spells and strict, inconsistent parenting, that I probably would be a better working mom after all - even with the guilt that follows us moms when we work.

However, that statement is always followed by severe anxiety; me having to open a whole other can of worms: what will I do? Where would I go? How would I handle the kids' schedules if I worked? How would I handle missing them? The anxiety that has plagued me for years seems to be swelling and rearing its even-bigger head, the older I get.

Speaking of that anxiety, it's those very fears that my decision to be a SAHM and be bad at doing it is ruining my children. Oh, I don't think this all the time, but when I'm experiencing a low, (tonight's came after my son threw a fit and told me for the umpteenth time that he hated me - this time because I finally got a blackhead out of his ear that's been there for months and he wanted it back.) it really affects me. How much have I scarred them? How much emotional damage (either direct or indirect) have I done to my sweet babies? I've said some pretty awful things to them in fits of being unreasonable. They love me for now (even though my toddler tells me almost daily that he doesn't), but that's because they need a mother and I'm the only one around. But, how effective am I to them? How much have I broken their spirits? In my mind, a lot. I hope I'm being unreasonable again.

The real humor of it all is something that I've said for years now: "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't." For me, that applies in many ways. First and foremost, it's being a working mom vs. a stay-at-home one. Either way, I can't seem to feel right about either decision. I can't win, in my mind anyway. I just pray (and I'm not the praying type) that one day, my children will know that I'm a very flawed human being, but that I love them dearly. Always.

It's Toddler Magic!

My son just turned two (like on Friday) and it seems like it's the magic age of change.

Yesterday, he awoke from a paltry, one hour nap. (Seriously, he had been going for two or three hours.) Right now, I'm hearing him babble in his crib during what should be today's nap - take 2. It's like my son turned "2" and he magically doesn't need a nap.

My toddler pulled an even crazier magic trick on me earlier in the day. It was almost like a horror movie, in fact. I put him down for a nap - take 1 - because the little bugger fell asleep in the car. beforehand. He cried a bit in his crib, but I was stinky from the gym and just had to take a shower. My fingers were crossed that he would just fall back asleep.

Took a nice shower, did a great squeegy job on the glass and I even started my minimalist makeup routine before I fired up the hair dryer. I thought, however, that I'd better check on my son before I really get into drying and trying to style my locks.

Outside of his closed door, I could hear his crib squeaking as he tossed and turned, but he wasn't crying, so back I went back to my bathroom to dry my hair.

Then, the magic (or horror) happened.

My son appeared in the double doorway of my bathroom - shirt on, little pee mark wetspots on the lower front part of his shirt and he was completely shortsless (and diaperless too, for that matter.)

I immediately turned off my hairdryer and my mind raced to solve the mystery. I was trying to understand the connection between my son being in my bathroom when, last I knew, he was in his crib. Then, he told me that he pooped.

My bewilderment turned to panic.

My son has recently used his magic to remove his diaper several times a day.

Now, his magical toddler powers can propel him out of his crib.

Thank goodness, he was just making up the part about the poop today.

My daughter, who's now seven, never once climbed out of her crib, let alone took her diaper off. (Except once and it's a well-documented mess in the scrapbook.) She was magical in other ways, like being precious, adorable, cool and smart. My son's magical toddler powers, however, are far beyond what I've experienced. I fear for what other tricks my son has up his 2T sleeve.

It Came And Went ...

My 40th birthday, that is.

While it's still scary to see that number in writing knowing it's referring to my age, I must say that turning 40 really didn't hurt too badly. In fact, it was kind of just another day.

My hubby took me out to a boutique hotel for the Saturday night before the big day, giving us a chance to dine on fancy food in a dimly-lit restaurant and drink ultra-expensive cocktails at a swanky bar - sans children. We were back in the room by 10 p.m., I might add.

On the actual big day, though, I was still a mom who had kids to care for, chores to do and errands to run. Let's see, my littlest and I had lunch with my oldest at school. I went to the cleaners. I believe I even stopped for gas. (I'm so old, that I've already forgotten what I did on my birthday.) We had an early 5 p.m. dinner at a nice restaurant with my family, but I had to take a break in the middle to calm down my antsy, bored toddler (who didn't care that it was a big milestone birthday for me). I also had to run across the street to escort my daughter to her first choir practice. After dinner, I waited for her to finish her singing - all on my 40th.

Next up? My son's birthday. He'll turn two this Friday and that's exciting and terrifying at the same time.

There's been no real time to think or worry about the beginning of a new decade in my life. I've been busy, after all. I turned 40 and life just keeps going on. That's ok with me. It sure as hell beats the alternative.

Mind Your Own Damn Business (But Really, Thank You)

This summer has been pretty tiresome: having to entertain a seven-year-old and keep a 22-month-old occupied from early morning until 9 or 10 p.m. I struggle to find activities to keep my oldest's mind from being consumed by an iPad and I strive to find new experiences for my youngest that won't eventually require a trip to the ER (as he's into and onto EVERYTHING these days.)

Most days, one of our activities is simply going to the grocery store. It's not fun, but it takes up time, gets us out of the house and besides, I'm constantly forgetting things, so daily trips are almost a necessity. It's definitely a chore, though, because it requires me to sometimes force my reluctant, almost-two-year-old into his rear-facing carseat while he screams and cries for me to hold him. Then, after we survive a sometimes unpleasant drive to the store, it's another chore just to get out of the car. Inside, the nagging begins. My oldest whines for me to buy her this or that while my youngest begs me for snacks or to get out of the shopping cart. A trip to the store, or any trip where I have to think, is a true exercise in mental acuity: can I focus enough to get what I need done while my children are with me?

Yesterday was no different and the Texas heat certainly upped the ante.

I had a few bags with me - including last night's juicy rotisserie chicken that smelled quite good. Luckily, my daughter's old enough to get into the car by herself, but the rest of the exercise of getting back into the car is constant circus act. I, on the fly, have to come up with a strategy on how to turn the air conditioning on, get the groceries in the car, return the cart to the cart corral and get my son into his carseat.

As tried to quickly walk that tightrope before my son did something dangerous, I was too late. He stood up in the front part of the cart while I quickly, yet carefully, arranged the groceries into the car. This was all while I was looking away from him, mind you.

When I realized what he was doing, I grabbed him, moved the cart away just enough to open his door (and hoped it wouldn't crash into someone's car) and shoved him into his seat. My chicken dropped in the parking lot, juices went everywhere and I wondered if I had just lost my dinner - this is all after I saved my daredevil of a son from what could have been a nasty accident.

And as the 97 degree sun is beating down on me and frying my skin, I'm yelling at him the whole time. Admittedly, it was an embarrassing act on my part. I probably looked like the SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) who just didn't have her shit together.

Just then, a tall, put-together man, whom I assumed came out one of those ginormous, expensive pickup trucks, was walking into the store and clearly observed my mommy meltdown.

He never stopped, but said loudly while passing by, how my kids will leave the house one day and that I'll miss it. "Mine's 23," he said as he walked away. It was a stern warning, if you will.

Ok, my first thought was "eff you and mind you're own damn business." He didn't know how tired I was or how I had just saved my son from, what could have been, a bad accident. And, after all, my chicken dropped on the ground.

But, he was right.

My kids are getting older all the time. I do actually think of how one day, my house will be quiet of screaming, crying and laughing, young friends and sleepovers. It will be empty of their innocence. And even before that, these violent, scary times we live in don't guarantee us a tomorrow, so it's even more imperative to be kind to our kiddos even when they test our limits and cause us mental chaos.

Thanks for the reminder, dude. I think I needed it.

I Fear For My Children's Future

As I grieve with the rest of the country over what happened in Orlando last Sunday, I'm also consumed with fear. That fear is primarily focused on my children and their future

What sort of world will they grow up in? What sort of catastrophic events will they witness? Will they ever be touched by the evil that we're seeing now? Do they even have a future?

I've sobbed about these very questions and more on more than one occasion. What keeps my tears flowing is that this misguided hatred towards my American brothers and sisters - including my children - will never go away. And what's even more bleak, is that no one has any solutions to fix the problem. They're all afraid too, so it seems.

I now worry that as my daughter gains increasing independence, my fear will go beyond who she spends time with, where she's going and who's car is she riding in. I'll also wonder if she'll be a target at her school's next field trip to the zoo or whether she'll simply be at the wrong place at the wrong time when evil rears its ugly head again.

There's another, different fear that's specific for my young son.

It recently dawned on me that when he's 18, he'll have to register for Selective Service. Who knows what the state of our nation will be then, but there's a nagging thought in my head that one day, my son could be forced into war regardless of his choice. That scares me tremendously.

I've hugged my kiddos extra tightly these last few days in between moments of despair - thinking of the parents and loved ones left behind from Sunday's massacre. I'm somewhat at a loss on how to move forward, knowing that another attack on our culture, values and way of life is just a matter of time. The only thing that I can do is to love my kids hard and try to do so with patience, compassion and joy. None of that will protect me or my family from evil, but at least it will shift our main focus from fear to happiness.

My Son, The Social Butterfly

For months now, my soon-to-be-21-month-old has been my errand buddy. I take him everywhere: the store, the allergy clinic (for me), the dentist, my daughter's school, etc. And he's always been a hit. He's not only pretty damn cute (totally un-biased opinion), but he's such a social and seemingly outgoing little guy.

He loves to say "hi" and "bye" to everyone - sometimes, repeatedly. I'm always amazed that even the coolest of young people my son accosts almost always responds. I hold my breath internally to see whether or not he's ignored. I've felt sad for my little guy the few times that's happened (but it's usually not intentional on the other person's part.)

I think my older daughter gets annoyed and sometimes, we all are get a wee embarrassed (like when he recently yelled "I tooted" in a chapel during a music recital.)

Now, don't get me wrong. The Terrible Twos are rearing their ugly head already, so my son's "toddler maniac" moments are almost always mixed-in wherever we are. But, in between whining and screaming for a beverage, a snack or the opportunity to walk, I'm hoping his charming greetings and farewells remain.

A Liebster? Isn't that a cleaning product?

Wow! My beautiful friend Melissa Smuzynski nominated me for something that sounds like an award for the best housecleaner (which I'm so not.) She's a former TV journalist who used to pound the pavement in Dallas/Fort Worth covering the hottest news stories. That's how we met, in fact, when I was doing the same on the radio. She's moved above and beyond that glamorous life and is now a mama to an adorable one-year-old, a public relations pro, a blogger and her family's travel agent.

Melissa has a sharp, engaging and helpful blog called Parenthood and Passports.

https://parenthoodandpassports.com/

It chronicles her precious little family's travels to exotic and far away locales with vibrant photos for documentation. Not only are her stories and reviews great, but her tips for traveling with wee tots are quite useful too! Because her blog is so sweet, she recently won a Leibster Award. And, she's nominated me for one too!!!

Basically, it's not really an award, but more of a way to promote and support others in the blogging community. Melissa is way more of a skilled blogger than me, especially since I'm still very much a newbie. But, I appreciate her kindness and hope she'll teach me about living in the seemingly infinite blogosphere.

Since I chose to accept this award, one of my duties is to nominate other blogs which I deem to be pretty outta sight. Outside of Melissa, I have just a handful of friends who also blog (the other blogs I follow are massive and don't need much promotion), but the list is still too long for me to add here. So! I'll just nominate one of my faves: my beautiful mommy friend (and former TV reporter/anchor) Lindsay Wilcox and her stylish blog Purely Lovely Living. She tackles many topics from family to faith and does so through useful tips and meaningful thoughts.

http://www.purelylovelyliving.com/

Should Lindsay choose to accept the nomination, then she'll basically blog about it as I'm doing now. There are all kinds of rules out there, but since this isn't a real award, as long as we stick with the basics, we're good. She just needs to write about her award, include a link of the nominating person's blog, answer some fun questions and pay it forward by nominating other blogs.

My final duty as a Liebster Award recipient is to answer a set of questions given by Melissa. (Lindsay's are farther down below.) Some were easier to attack than others, but here goes!!

Questions:

How long have you been blogging and why did you start? Not even a month yet - at least on my own site. I used to write fairly often for the blog section of WBAP.com - the website of my former employer.

If you could go anywhere in the world you haven’t been yet, where would you go? Admittedly, I'm scared to travel these days. If we travel without our kids, I'm worried that we'll die in a plane crash and our kids will be orphans. If we travel with our kids, I'm worried that someone will die because because someone isn't behaving. (I'm kidding about that last part, but our most recent trip wasn't very fun because of a cranky baby.) ISIS, which has a knack for turning up just about anywhere, has me terrified too. But, if I could remove those fears, I'd love to visit Scandinavia. It looks so clean and the air seems so fresh. I hear people there are happy too. Tokyo would be a dream sometime, but the massive amount of people and blaring technology might be a bit overwhelming. 

What inspires you? Other moms. 

Best meal you’ve ever eaten? Room service breakfast at the Omni Championsgate in Orlando, FL. My husband and I had this unforgettable Frosted Flake-dipped French toast, warm, buttery scrambled eggs, salty, thick bacon, etc. It was during our honeymoon. We'd wake up every morning and the full spread would be waiting for us on a beautiful cart in the dining room of our suite. And perhaps the best part? We didn't have a pay a dime for any of it. (A story for another time.)

What is your biggest accomplishment? That's hard to say. It could be the time I had my first live TV standup on CNN! It could also be the birth of my two children. 

What is one goal that you are working toward now? I'm hoping that during this time of being a SAHM and dabbling in the blogosphere, I'll come up with a "2nd Act" for when my littles aren't so little anymore. Mama isn't going back to radio. Mama needs something new and exciting later on.

What is the one place you would revisit time and time again? It sounds weird, but Lafayette, LA. It reminds me of my childhood because I'd spend the summers and holidays there at my grandparents' ranch-style home complete with carport. The culture there is so laid back. I love hearing Zydeco because it's so simple and charming. Oh, and the food. Seriously. Cajun food there in the heart of Cajun Country ... I'll just leave that right there. 

What do you love most about parenthood? There are so many things. It's exhausting and at times, frustrating. It's terrifying, too, as I'm always self-doubting my parenting skills with my older one. But through the echoey shrieks down the hallway and the thuds of toys being slammed into the walls, I'm always thankful for our little buggers. They've really enhanced our lives tremendously. 

What is the most out of your comfort zone you’ve ever felt? Usually meeting new people. Thankfully, my career as a news reporter helped me conquer the majority of that discomfort. My kids and my ever-rising age have helped too. I mean, I've got two kids and am almost 40, so who gives a f$ck? I can do this. (It's kind of my new attitude.) 

What is your one non-essential item that you must bring with you when you travel? Slippers. I hate cold feet.

What is one piece of advice you would give to your younger self? Focus much more on school and stop worrying so dang much. 

Questions for Lindsay: 

What inspired you to start blogging?

What do you hope others take away from your blog?

What is the best thing about being a mom?

What is your favorite thing to do by yourself?

When chaos breaks out in your home (ie. kids screaming, crying, fighting), what's your secret weapon to handling it?

What is your biggest weakness when it comes to your kiddos?

What is your favorite thing to do with your family?