Gosh. It's been so long since I've posted on my blog. As the political and social climate heated up, just as my blog was getting started, I realized that what I wanted to say wouldn't be what some would want to hear. I have such a middle-of-the-road, "let's compromise for the greater good" attitude and that kind of thinking doesn't get you very far in today's society. You have to be one way or the other. There is no in-between. So, I thought my days of pointlessly writing for a blog that no one will really read or care about were over.
Then, I got sad. I've been sad a lot. And it's silly, really. I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm "blessed" as many would say. (And I would wholeheartedly agree.) Yet, as I struggle with getting older, trying to take care of a strong-willed toddler and take care of my nine-year-old's needs, I just keep getting sad again and now, my kids are old enough to notice.
It's funny. When I was a working mom, I was riddled with guilt over leaving my daughter. I made my husband pay the price for it too. I had the nerve to blame him for me having to work and lead a life that I didn't know when I was a child. (My mom stayed home with me, while my dad went off to work.) It's just one of many ways I've been unreasonable in my almost 42 years on this earth. Then, as he worked so hard to change careers and improve his life for himself and for his family, I finally got my chance to stay home. I knew it wouldn't be easy, rather different.
Now that I've been a SAHM for some three years now, I've come to realize that it's more challenging that I had ever imagined, causing me to doubt my decision to stay home. I've come to realize through my yelling, increased crying spells and strict, inconsistent parenting, that I probably would be a better working mom after all - even with the guilt that follows us moms when we work.
However, that statement is always followed by severe anxiety; me having to open a whole other can of worms: what will I do? Where would I go? How would I handle the kids' schedules if I worked? How would I handle missing them? The anxiety that has plagued me for years seems to be swelling and rearing its even-bigger head, the older I get.
Speaking of that anxiety, it's those very fears that my decision to be a SAHM and be bad at doing it is ruining my children. Oh, I don't think this all the time, but when I'm experiencing a low, (tonight's came after my son threw a fit and told me for the umpteenth time that he hated me - this time because I finally got a blackhead out of his ear that's been there for months and he wanted it back.) it really affects me. How much have I scarred them? How much emotional damage (either direct or indirect) have I done to my sweet babies? I've said some pretty awful things to them in fits of being unreasonable. They love me for now (even though my toddler tells me almost daily that he doesn't), but that's because they need a mother and I'm the only one around. But, how effective am I to them? How much have I broken their spirits? In my mind, a lot. I hope I'm being unreasonable again.
The real humor of it all is something that I've said for years now: "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't." For me, that applies in many ways. First and foremost, it's being a working mom vs. a stay-at-home one. Either way, I can't seem to feel right about either decision. I can't win, in my mind anyway. I just pray (and I'm not the praying type) that one day, my children will know that I'm a very flawed human being, but that I love them dearly. Always.
